life raft
I am so often confused by my own heart.
By the way it beats rhythmically and steadily but can feel so sporadic and irrational at the same time. Throughout my experiences I have come to discover that it is an unending filing cabinet of feeling and emotion I was unaware I had. Each unexplored corner holding a new perception or sensation or unidentifiable reaction. A syllabic structure that so effortlessly and frequently sets my mind a-spin.
No matter what you tell yourself over and over again, or commit your head to knowing, the feeling connected to a passage of time, a person, or an experience will be etched in the compartments of your beating heart forever.
Although this makes the painful feelings more painful, I can’t help but fall captive to the thought of never having to part with the sensory ecstasy of moments passed.
The reality that your heart will hold on to the impressions made on your soul far longer than your mind will stay intact serves as an incredibly therapeutic piece of knowledge for me. Additionally, I know that when your mind and your heart work seamlessly together the result is passion, elation and the unique ability to fully fall in love with life.
So, what is this paradoxical chaos caused by our hearts? The ability to feel so much, so intricately involved in each waking moment, whether you decide to be or not. Walking the tightrope between conscious and subconscious exposure, crossing over into the territory known as vulnerability; always coming back to the consistent palpitations of home base. Is this unrecognized tension responsible for our ability to experience every passing feeling so eloquently? So sensitively. As if a searing hot pin is lightly pricking each vessel.
How is it that this heart of mine can just keep giving? Tirelessly, infinitely working on mending itself so it can be ready to yield its never fully breakable self once more, and then once again, and still again after that. How it suits up for battle while it carefully caresses the anguish within it. Is it possible for it to coexist in a space where it is both fighting and being defeated all at once? I guess this is the very definition of resilience.
And on those days where the internal state of my heart has somehow traveled through my chest and placed itself on the outside of my body, I am taken captive by vulnerability – of the foundational gentleness that labels me human.
It involuntarily sheds the armour that it has accumulated in one swift movement and just like that you are raw and attuned to every passing feeling. As if every passing feeling is a tiny life raft traveling effortlessly down the vein-like rivers that span the unchartered territory of your heart.
And this unchartered territory is the very essence of what it means to feel. To exist in a world that is constantly testing your senses and pushing your limits. The mystery that allows you to never experience the same moment twice.
I am so often confused by my own heart.
By the everchanging responses and adaptations, and the way it refuses to let you settle into assuming its predictability. In saying all this, I have learned over the years to find solace in the unknown crevices that occupy the chambers of my heart and seek stillness when the frenzy of emotions decides to strike my unsuspecting organ all at once. And during those times when confusion and frustration seem to be the overriding feelings, I will remind myself time and again of how lucky I am to be created so intricately with the ability to feel so deeply. The opportunity to sort through the complicated cohesion of my head and my heart, and the growth in character that comes from learning how to navigate my perceptions of the world in both logical and illogical ways.
Sit in the struggle.
The feelings of contentedness are not made possible without those periods of unsettlement and questioning. Do not be afraid to ask yourself why you feel the way you feel. But I challenge you to find peace in not being able to conclude or understand why as well.
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